13/2/12 - Mulv's 'Valentine's Day 101'

Mulv's 'Valentine's Day 101'

7 steps to ensure everything isn't too awkward.

1. If you insist upon going out, make it brief. Everyone else will always look happier than you.

2. If you aren't going out, don't whatever you do use candles. They're a fire hazard. And fire isn't sexy.

3. Whether or not you're going out, practice your sexy lines beforehand. Maybe you could even practice them with your partner. Have you thought about flashcards? That could be a sexy new game. For those who are maybe not quite as suave and gifted with words as I, here are a few examples. "What's your favourite pizza topping?" "Have you heard the one about my penis? I forget the end of that joke, but my dick is fucking huge." "How do you like my Frank Zappa collection?" Or alternatively just play the song 'Pussy' by Rammstein and make this face throughout

4. Whatever you do, don't buy flowers. They'll only die symbolising the inevitable dissolution of your relationship.

5. Always mention what you did on past Valentine's days with any exes you may have had, in order that your new partner will know what you did with the body when they inevitably broke your heart.

6. Valentine's day is the perfect time to show them the cellar full of weapons, pictures of them from infancy, various jumpers they could swear they lost that one time, and that shrine to the toenail clipping you took while they were asleep.

7. Contrary to popular opinion, girls don't like being wined and dined, it's all an elaborate lie. Turning up at their door in your pants brandishing a twix will do just as well, and help you to avoid all that awkward chat.

That's all for today, folks. Happy Valentine's day!

Yours,

Llama del Rey

xxx

P.S. Google image that Llama del Rey thing, it shall no doubt provide approximately 15 seconds of pure joy.

20/4/12 - Mulv's Top Ten Bits of Weird

Mulv's Top Ten Bits Of Weird To Stare

At / Think About / Do When Feeling Squashy

In no particular order

10. Watch some fractal zoom

The concept of fractals is pretty damn insane, and fractal zoom is a fucking beautiful thing. Fortunately, some people out there really like their fractals, and are prepared to spend weeks creating immensely detailed videos of fractal zoom. Here's to those crazy kids.

Mandelbrot Fractal Zoom

9. Watch Chris Morris's 'Jam'

It's a fantastic program. For those who are unfamiliar, here's Wikipedia. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jam_(TV_series)
It's insane, confusing, hilarious, filthy and terrifying.
Jam: http://www.ovguide.com/tv/jam.htm
Jaaaaam: http://www.ovguide.com/tv/jaaaaam.htm

8. Eat some fucking chicken

Let's face it, chicken is fucking incredible. So eat some. I guarantee you'll feel better. Unless you're a vegetarian.

7. Freak yourself the fuck out

Try scaring the shit out of yourself! It's always a great way to pass time. I have a few suggestions:
If you're on the tube, try Portishead's 'Silence'. For some reason that seriously unsettled me yesterday on the way home.

Portishead - Silence

If you're in front of a screen of some kind, try the music video for the Chemical Brothers's 'Believe'. It's some fucked up shit, and a fucking tune.

Chemical Brothers - Believe

6. Amuse yourself with animals

 Tap your fishbowl, hug your cat, confuse you dog, it's all fun! If you have a furry animal, stroke that furry bitch.
If alas you lack the necessary pets, have no fear - youtube is here. Who needs a pet when you can watch someone else's being inevitably far more amusing than your own pet would ever be?
Cats: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=go43XeW6Wg4 (IT'S IN A FUCKING HAMSTER BALL)
Dogs: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=roJzWYiXFtg (IT'S RIDING A FUCKING BIKE)
Pandas: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xLsly2ptePM (IT'S RIDING A FUCKING ROCKING HORSE)
Monkeys: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_sfnQDr1-o (IT'S ON A FUCKING PIG)
Horses: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dyMXYE_50Ts (IT'S FUCKING RETARDED)

5. Flick playing cards at people

There are an enormous number of ways to flick/throw cards, so the method is up to you, but I for one have spent many enjoyable hours doing this. Flick those bitches like you just don't care. Which you probably don't.

4. Sit on someone's roof.

Yes. Just yes.

3. Use Stumbleupon

It's a great website. Hours, weeks even, of fun.

2. Get Drunk

As Lana so rightly says in 'Get Drunk' (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUUJWp5HD6k), get drunk. It's always nice. If you're already drunk, get more drunk! Just don't do the awkward vomit thing. Nobody likes that. If you need help, CHECK THIS BITCH OUT http://www.wherethefuckshouldigofordrinks.com/.

1. Make an 'In Case Of Crack' playlist

Because sometimes, crack.

So yeah! Stuff to do. Lots of it. Go wild!

Yours,

Marvin the Martian

xxx

P.S.
In the spirit of Marvin the Martian, watch this. It's a classic. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ED4dQvzPqY

MY FACE TODAY: http://tosh.comedycentral.com/blog/files/2011/04/pot-smoking-bunny.jpg

10/5/12 - Lana Del Rey

Oh my shit. Lana Del Rey. Oh Lana. What can I say, bitch stole my heart.

Heyy the name's Lana.

1. Lana's sexy, sexy voice.

It took me a little while (say five minutes?) to get used to the idea of her face being great, but let's face it - her vocal prowess is not up for debate. She sounds like Jesus, if Jesus were a sexy woman. Okay, bad comparison. I don't know. She's super. There is only one song of hers which I don't like the sound of, and that's because some bastard fucked about with her voice until she sounded like Kesha. Dick. (It's pretty shit, but if the curiosity gets too much for you, you can listen to 'Match Made In Heaven' here at your peril. Apparently the song was originally written for Cheryl Cole, and she can fucking keep it if you ask me.) This travesty aside, she's great. From her more laid back approach to the wonderful (and unreleased, for all you indie fucks out there) End Of The World to the wonderfully over-produced new(ish) video for Blue Jeans, everything she does sounds fucking amazing. Plus, as can be seen in some of her earlier videos (from her Lizzy 'I have no lips' Grant days), she can play the guitar. WHAT MORE COULD A GIRL WANT? BITCH IS MULTI-TALENTED. Lana was recommended to me by the wonderful Toby, and I immediately went and downloaded all of the things. I subsequently spunked everywhere, googled her, spunked everywhere again, and from that point on my obsession was inevitable. She's amazing.

Alas there is of course the whole SNL debacle in January. I will admit, she wasn't great on Saturday Night Live. She looked like she really didn't want to be there, and it didn't look great. But come on, it wasn't nearly as bad as I have always been told. Until I finally plucked up the courage a couple of weeks ago, I had never seen said performance. I don't know why everyone was shitting all over it though, I thought she was alright. And her live performances seem to be improving. Oh ma days, she was GREAT in the Radio 1 Live Lounge. Actually great. Her Live Lounge Blue Jeans was pretty fucking great. (If you reckon this Toby guy from earlier sounds like he knows a thing or two, skip to 2:22 in the Blue Jeans clip, and you shall experience his favourite bit. She sings her sexy live 'I will love you 'til the end of time'. It's lovely.) And she looked piff. Check that bitch out. DAYM.

Lana looking all sexy in a jacket. Ooh.

2. Lana's impossibly attractive face.

Damn. There's very little more I can say on the matter really. Here, have a top 5. A picture speaks a thousand words or whatever. So I guess a gif speaks, say, 12 pictures? And that's a lot of words. Definitely more than a thousand.

Mulv's Top 5 Gifs of Lana Looking Piff

5. Lana sniffs her armpit

I don't know what the fuck she's doing here, but she looks great while she does it.

4. Lana tries (and fails miserably) not to laugh

I don't know. It's just so cute. And she has lovely hair.

3. Lana's 'let's have sex' face

I've been perfecting my 'let's have sex' face for years, and along comes Lana and hits it out of the park without even trying. Dick.

2. Lana laughs, I wet myself

What more is there to be said really?

1. Lana smoking

She pretty.

So yeah. As you may have ascertained, I love that woman.

Lana's personality.

Well this is totally awkward. I'll admit, I'm going to breeze past this section quite quickly. As far as I can tell, she's not so great. She cancels tours at short notice, she shows her arse to television audiences for no apparent reason (lovely though her arse is), and she interviews awfully. And she had a 'philosophical crisis'...
"When I was very young I was sort of floored by the fact that my mother and my father and everyone I knew was going to die one day, and myself too. I had a sort of a philosophical crisis. I couldn’t believe that we were mortal. For some reason that knowledge sort of overshadowed my experience. I was unhappy for some time. I got into a lot of trouble. I used to drink a lot. That was a hard time in my life."
I have nothing to say on that really.Altogether, she sounds a little irritating. Maybe she'll improve with age! She might mature like a sexy cheese. Mmmm.

I'm going to see her at Latitude. It's going to be awesome. I shall make her love me. SOMEHOW. Soon they shall be releasing her video for Summertime Sadness. I can't wait. It'll be awesome. Plus they're re-releasing her first album, which is exciting. Alas I won't be quite so cool and indie then, but OH WELL. What's a gal to do. I'll just listen to  Trash and cry about how Lana will never love me as I love her.

Bitch, you have no idea. LOVE ME.

Yours,

Llama Del Rey

xxx

UPDATE: I went to Latitude. She sang beautifully, I touched her, she was soft like a sexy cloud. Little more needs to be said.

MY FACE TODAY: http://27.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lysi8aPa6U1r8s433o1_500.gif