Mulv's 'Valentine's Day 101'
7 steps to ensure everything isn't too awkward.
1. If you insist upon going out, make it brief. Everyone else will always look happier than you.
2. If you aren't going out, don't whatever you do use candles. They're a fire hazard. And fire isn't sexy.
3. Whether or not you're going out, practice your sexy lines beforehand. Maybe you could even practice them with your partner. Have you thought about flashcards? That could be a sexy new game. For those who are maybe not quite as suave and gifted with words as I, here are a few examples. "What's your favourite pizza topping?" "Have you heard the one about my penis? I forget the end of that joke, but my dick is fucking huge." "How do you like my Frank Zappa collection?" Or alternatively just play the song 'Pussy' by Rammstein and make this face throughout
4. Whatever you do, don't buy flowers. They'll only die symbolising the inevitable dissolution of your relationship.
5. Always mention what you did on past Valentine's days with any exes you may have had, in order that your new partner will know what you did with the body when they inevitably broke your heart.
6. Valentine's day is the perfect time to show them the cellar full of weapons, pictures of them from infancy, various jumpers they could swear they lost that one time, and that shrine to the toenail clipping you took while they were asleep.
7. Contrary to popular opinion, girls don't like being wined and dined, it's all an elaborate lie. Turning up at their door in your pants brandishing a twix will do just as well, and help you to avoid all that awkward chat.
That's all for today, folks. Happy Valentine's day!
Yours,
Llama del Rey
xxx
P.S. Google image that Llama del Rey thing, it shall no doubt provide approximately 15 seconds of pure joy.
No comments:
Post a Comment